The Break Ups

 

The Break Up

 

Break ups, they are my ultimate soap opera come true in my life, it’s never finding prince charming and living happily ever after and in all my years I’ve only met one prince charming and he broke my heart. What’s a story without its drama? It’s tiring and draining and it kills tiny little parts of you and as they build up you do ultimately loose part of yourself and you break down. So one of my longest break ups happened several times over several years and it involved violence, adultery, hurting each other in crazy ways, being stalked. This guy stole my clothes off the line, would break into my house and move things which really made me feel crazy until I clicked one night I came out of a club and my car wouldn’t start, nothing, so I called road side and waited then there he was banging on my windows at one am asking to talk like that’s not a coincidence. He soon left and road side arrived and he opened the bonnet and he said would someone be pranking you? I’m like no I’m not the kind of person to prank because I’ll give it back to you tenfold why? I had no battery the next question was who had my spare key to steal my battery. Stalker strikes again, by this stage I was seeing Mr. Average size best sex ever how he stuck around so long I will be forever grateful to him as much as he hurt me when he left me for a women to hide his sexuality, I understand his position but I was left for a women, that hurts. Anyway so stalker followed us to hotel rooms, my bedroom bashing on the windows screaming all kinds of crazy stuff, it tool Police intervention to remove him and no sooner I did and felt good it was break up time again, like the universe has it in for me. It broke me, I feel looking back starting one relationship before ending and being rid of the former wasn’t ideal, it excited me and gave me passion, gave me the push and drive the end the horrid years of stalker guy but truly for the first time ever I liked someone unconditionally he did drugs and was always drunk but he was always nice to me there for me and treated me well, I was happy and that’s all that mattered. Following this I had a break down now many people left my life during this time, thought themselves better than me, but after years of fighting and hurt and anger I just let it out and had to return me, fix me so I could move on and it taught me a lesson, my best friend dad always told her something that always sat with me, he said you don’t have a lot of friends, you just know a lot of people. I will never forget these words. I was a mess I was drunk daily, erratic and  I kept nothing secret, and if people didn’t like it and left and could see I was breaking down and needed time to just recharge their loss and my gain, because I feel better now for knowing who truly is in my life. And it my friend’s dad was right you don’t have many friends in life. So after years of abuse and being degraded, cheated on and I did too once I had enough of it I, got in the car drove home in my state of depression and spent a few weeks having fun, being me and finding my old self again with my best friend, the best fiend I will ever know and will forever be eternally grateful to her. She knows me like no man has ever and only on my heart I wish in another time and universe we would be of similar age and her man , but after six years on and off with stalker and a year with Mr. Average best sex ever I was ready to close that chapter.

 

Prince charming came home from a few weeks away, and after weeks of emails and missing each other and all the talk in the world of all the things we did he missed and I missed him and talks of what we will do and he will work around me fit me in when he returns and we will spend more time together then we have a night of great sex. I just wanted the moment to last forever and it felt like it we were at it for over an hour and when we finished and looked at the time it was like that felt like forever. I was so into him but again I didn’t follow my instinct which started just before I saw him, all I could think for some strange reason was leave him, end it now and I didn’t. Then two days later he came over after dinner and was laying on me as always in bed watching TV, I’m stroking his hair, thinking dam I’m so lucky I found this man ill never find anyone as good as him then I bite the bullet and tell him I missed you while you were away and I’m not afraid to say it. Then he tells me in a few months he is going abroad travelling long term. My heart sunk, my stomach turned and my eyes hid the tears as I said don’t cry, don’t cry, please don’t cry I sat up and looked at him laying on the bed and said okay, I’m happy for you. I told him I wanted to keep dating until he left, and this didn’t change anything for me until then, he is the quiet thinker type, I am the loud reactive type, he for the entire time we had been seeing each other grounded m but this I could not be kept grounded, this turned me in way s I never thought possible to feel for another person, I actually had genuine feelings of love for another person, love above that I held for myself and yet I was unable to tell him although every inch of e screamed just wanted to tell him I love you, and when he said he needed time and he thought the best way was to end this as his feeling would grow and he didn’t want to hurt me, and he was protecting  himself as he had feelings for me. I told him I was fine and for me it hurt more to see him here and now with me, than to say goodbye when he left the country, and that’s the honest truth, I would rather have several months of great sex, dating someone I love and feel connected with more than I ever had than go back to ridicule of dating in the gay world., I asked him to choose me, want me, be with me for the time we had left. In my head I wanted to see it out and end it how we began with a picnic on the beach, under the stars, making him dinner and playing scrabble, he was my kind of man all over.  So I remember I was impatient I couldn’t help but make contact with him although he needed time and I told him, I felt like by his making all these promises and telling me all the things he wanted to do with me one day and getting into my bed, then coming back to my bed and telling me this and then wanting to just p and leave me and never see me again I felt like a used whore. He was so angry with me, and went off at me, and for what feeling like that because I wouldn’t talk to him to have the two things I needed to know answered because he needed time to think, I get that but I couldn’t without closure in my mind understand that its reciprocal, like he told me to shut he didn’t want to talk anymore when all I needed was that answered. So he went from so I was going to ask to take you out to dinner, to fuck you, to me apologizing for what yes I didn’t give him space and I said what I said in anger. I was sorry and he had said worse. Then all I ask is give me a chance, take a chance on me, give me the time of day to talk to me face to face and denies me this so I said ill come to you, guess what I don’t even know where he lives and he freaks out because I said that he knew I didn’t know where he lives, like grow the fuck up you emotional retard. Then he says no my clients ask me for chances, he compared me to his clients, after everything he said and promised, after I was okay with his leaving, I was okay with his distance and continued coldness, he said he was sorry. I broached his security , his inner world apparently because I wanted to see him, well he is lucky because I let him into my world, my home, my sanctuary and now I not only deal with not being given the closure I asked for i feel  I deserved but I had to walk back into my home after a few days away and see his cup there, his towel there, the bed as we left it, I have to deal with that, he got off lucky. for him its emotional, for me its personal too. The problem here is I am no longer sorry I wanted to talk, I wanted to put it behind us, I didn’t give up, I wasn’t chasing other guys like he was I am not sorry but I promised myself I will make sure he regrets the day he did this to me.

 

 

 

But you know what I find worse than ending a relationship when you’re madly in love and an emotional wreck by the end. When your dating and they disappear. So I was seeing a guy, nice genuine guy, cute even. So we chatted for a while always spoke about hanging out and each time something came up, yet he would ask to meet then bail … hello! So one time he was walking home from a night on the town. I was still living with my stalker ex, and we were playing around and he was giving me head. And I open my eyes and in the dark I can see the bedroom door open just a crack. I knew then and there who it was. So I ask him to roll over and stand up and as I walk past the door I kick it shut and I started going down on him. Then it began Scott Scott just let me watch, Scott why can’t I watch, please. All I had was ‘sorry bro this aint gunna happen tonight I'll walk you out”, never thought I’d hear from him again and yet he came back asking to meet me again, then after a few months disappears no explanation no answers to  text or messages just gone without a reply or reason. Then about a year later he reappears and states sometimes I just need time out and to be alone … okay I get it we start chatting and I did choose to get into a relationship with my Mr. average size because I felt safer than the phantom dater. Once again I was single and late one night he comes over and we actually sleep together and you know what I we say we are going to date and he is all excited and the day before our date he goes silent, no reply and I had the feeling it said he has bailed. Come the day I message him, nothing not even sorry I just can’t. Lie even make an excuse, seriously he is the phantom dater. Then two weeks later I see his facebook status updated in a relationship.  Why not just say it then again a few weeks later in shopping with a friend and he casually walks past and feels me up and smirks and keeps walking WTF!!! Then I get a text asking how I am and I say to him you know I was a little upset I had made plans for our date and you just disappear, all he had to say was last time you chose another guy over me and I did the same to you. Passive aggressive or what and at first I thought okay I deserve that but then I started thinking no this whole time in our I don’t know what to call it … you kept disappearing and bailing on me you deserve your name for a reason. This was not my fault at all after two years of disappointment I washed my hands and learnt to walk away yet again, my biggest downfall I give love a chance.

Dating mmmm

Dating

So the guy I was shopping  with whose homosexual flamboyancy helped to out me, well we were meeting up for dinner at his house a few weeks later after an awkward experience where he came onto me in his car and gave me head and I didn’t enjoy it, sorry but I didn’t find him attractive at all. So anyway I was going for dinner and going to set it all straight when we were leaving the take out store when I replied to a friend’s text who wrote you going to fuck him tonight haha. I text back in haste, stupidly and regrettable in his dreams if he thinks I’m going to sleep with him he is dreaming I can do better. I pressed send and his phone instantly went off when he said what's this I panicked, looked at my sent messages …. I had sent it to him, he knew, he looked at me in anger I felt bad, but relived and just wanted to scream now do you get it why I don’t reciprocate, but I felt bad. The he stated and I mean stated if you don’t like me fuck off, I don’t need this shit. I thanked him and left. I also left some of my favorite DVDs at his house arse hole always denied it but I had it coming I guess.

I remember once this guy kept messaging me and always asks how my day was and he was genuinely nice. While I saw his picture he looked a little older than his age and I am into guys my age or slightly younger.  Anyways he would always be eating out with friends, reading a book. I would be out drinking or watching TV. Anyway so he finally got the nerve to ask me out and I said yes politely although his lifestyle concerned me a little, I just aint the healthy centered type like him, I’m indulgent and an emotion mess nine out of ten day unless I have a permanent man who keeps me happy and grounded and that I have learnt now is a bad thing. But back to the point, our date was set for Friday night, on the Wednesday before he messages me and as usual ask how I am, what am I up to I say just got home had a few drinks  about to get into bed and watch my shows. Thursday he calls me, and asks the same thing, I said I’m at the neighbors place having dinner and drinks. He says ohh weren’t you drinking last night. I’m like yeah! After a slight pause he says so what are you doing later? Probably jump into bed and watch my shows. His jaw must have feel and panic mode set off in his mind. He replies you watch a lot of TV don’t you. My head was as phased as he must have been, so I laughed it off and said I guess I like TV, don’t you own a TV and drink regularly? He said I don’t own a TV or drink much if ever. I couldn’t have said it better if I had planned it but I knew this date was not going to happen and I had to kill it now, so I said ohh really, well thank you, thank you for not wasting my time and saving me from the most awkward experience of my life, seriously who doesn’t own a TV in 2013 and if I want to drink that’s my choice. I wished him a good life and hung up. Crisis averted.

I remember this one time I met this guy on grindr of course that anti social media device... but it serves a purpose. Anyway I had been in a relationship for over two years before I was single and we met we had always just chatted and he always stated he liked me and I did like him he was nice, smart and charming. So anyway we met for ice cream on the beach and the conversation was pleasant, I wasn’t as attracted to him as I thought but I went back to his house and well I was horny he was keen so I went there. For a long time I fantasized about this moment, he was a total bottom and I just wanted to get off. Off is exactly what it was. He kissed like a chicken pecking at a seed, he laid jus on me, not attempt to merge our bodies it was awkward and weird and all I could think was please get hard, go hard at it and head to the nearest exit and that’s exactly why I did, I faked my orgasm (women aren’t the only ones that can do that) and I left, never to return and my fantasy about Mr. perfect was long dead, I felt shallow, lost and confused how was this perfect man so bad in bed, like he surely was experienced but then with all his experiences why was he still single when all he wanted more than anything was a partner. That was the warning light I didn’t see.

So I finally found a nice guy, ethnic background, cute, nice job, tall dark handsome and gay, settles and sorted my age and coincidently lived in my apartment building, and across the hall. So I had been seeing before and when I first started talking to him a guy who said he wasn’t out, he would come over to my apartment, he did it by the storage rooms, the pool, BBQ area, pool shower rooms, parking garage. It was fun and exhilarating I missed the thrill when he moves across country. Anyways so after a few months of seeing the nice guy, he started to open up about his ex, he was cheating on him, I felt so bad, I knew that feeling and I told him I’d never hide anything from you that I was an honest person. Then he told me his name, how they lived together here, and that he moves across country. It was the guy I was seeing, I was the other guy, I was this guy he called many names that I encouraged. Yeah I sorry I wasn’t about to risk a relationship with a nice guy because his ex lied to us both nor did I want to start one on mutual hatred, at the end of the day I was the other guy and he had the trump card. So it wasn’t until a few months later the ex came back into the scene and nice guy told him he was seeing someone, and the ex took his chance and told him all about us, my secret was out and it was over he was so angry I was now the cause of two relationships ending, like seriously it wasn’t my fault yes I omitted the truth but was my sexual past really his business? I can understand him not wanting to be with me, because of what his ex did but I didn’t feel responsible at all. So about a year later I get chatting to this guy and he happened to roommates with nice guy and we started playing around, it was great he was discreet he didn’t want anyone to know he was gay, until one night nice guy came home early found us in bed in what turned out not to be his room but the guest room. I did it to him twice, I slept with yet another one of his boyfriends and I knew I had hurt him bad; he didn’t even get angry all he had to say was just leave. And like that I took the stairs and never the lift and I always came in and out of the building through the garage so I wouldn’t bump into him. I fell I may haunt him forever three relationship in a row over because of me, I could no longer deny it my hands did have blood on them now.

Now they say what goes around, well my next date after this we met on the beach how ironic. He was tall as always but blonde and new to town and quiet kind of guy always had nice conversations, never anything seedy, just nice talk I thought if anything maybe a new friend. So no sooner we greet each other I asked where we should sit, he says let’s find somewhere private where we can screw!!!! My instinct told me this wasn’t going to work he is only after sex so I politely informed him I wasn’t in the mood for that I just wanted to hang out and talk,  his face was taken back I don’t know if it was that this tall attractive fit man was not just used to being turned down but was turned down by someone not as fit as he is, but so sooner the we begin to walk he says ‘dam I just got a message I need to be somewhere can we do this again’. I thank him to a degree however seriously in daylight, in public the open line on a date, who in their right mind says they want to fuck? Like this is real life face to face not grindr where you do get to the point when that is all your after but seriously. Oh well it could have been worse I could have wasted a few hours having to make awkward small talk with him, but then that could have been worse for him than for me, kind of similar to my first love.

I once had a date with a guy who spoke about how he idolized Hitler and his ideals. It was the most awkward few moments of my life also the shortest date I ever had. I headed for the ‘bathroom’ and was out of there. OMG let me tell you two good friends of mine, one I met because I thought he was hot and turned out he is attractive but I wasn’t attracted to him but we are great friends, and then I met his friend who has a partner. He is cute and attractive and we made good mates too. Now I see his partner from time to time and knew they weren’t happy and I was saddened because to me they were the ideal gay couple I looked up to jealous even they had what I was lacking, until one night we were all having dinner out and his partner was staring at me awkwardly all night so I made small talk and tried to feel less awkward and then he dropped a mother of all indecencies at the dinner table he blatantly looks at me and says so my boyfriend has declared his love for you he has been hiding for yours and ended it with me last week in hopes to confess his love to you. What do you do when someone says that to you, silence was in the air all three of them looking at me, I sat there stunned thinking in my head run, run to the nearest exit, instead I laughed and excused myself and moved to the nearest exit indeed. This gentle men messaged me and called me explain how this wasn’t how he wanted me to find out, as I kindly explained, it was one of life’s ultimate cruelties to make you so attracted to someone you want so bad as to ruin a long relationship, for someone who has interests in their next relationship should I say I need to stop  starting relationships like a soap opera. Which I am often told as a soap fan I don’t need to watch them, I live one.

The worst date I ever had will go down in my opinion as Mr. Delusional. So we met up and it was dark and generally I don’t date older but I decided to give it a chance after all I was twenty seven and he was thirsty two, even in the dark the skin on his neck gave away his dirty secret. Panic mode, what do I do, stupidly I thought he seems nice, I’ll have a nice night be polite and leave I at this, after all I’m now in his living room. So he says lets have some dinner and see a movie, then asks me what car I drive, I told him a Toyota. He looks at me, I look back and he goes well no, I  have a mazaradi and porche which one do you want to take, my death stare said I’m not into cars so whatever you prefer. He chose the porche which he couldn’t drive this guy was so old he was blind. He was all over the road missed corners and had no idea, when I asked him if he was okay to drive and knew how to use a stick shift he said I’m new to town, my thoughts possible new to driving. So he says where is the movies and I told him I wanted to eat first, he replied of course but I want to see whats on. I told him I'd check on my phone he is all no I want to go in. Fuck me, so he pulls up and we go in and he asked what I wanted to see, I told him and he says to the lady two tickets to his choice of movie, but wait there is more, he did at least ask me do you want to see it at nine thirty in 3D or see it at eight. I said eight ill fall asleep by nine thirty and I hate 3D movies. So of course he says nine thirty please, I want to see it in 3D. Why didn’t I take my own car is all I could think of.  But at least he said did you want anything to eat here, ahh dinner first dumb arse. I was polite I told him I’d get something later when we came back, then on the first meet, we had known each other a whole half an hour he told me no your not eating the shit here. The shit here ill eat what I want, when I want. So we get back in his death mobile and he asks me what I want for dinner, like I’m sure you get the idea by now, why does he even ask, but honestly I replied I could murder a burger right now. He pulls up at the fanciest restaurant in town. So uncomfortably eating I ask him how old are you? He tells me he is forty five. Mmmm your two years younger than my parents, I was officially freaked and then to add insult to the injury he had already caused to my first opinion of him, he says how old are you by the look of those lines on your face. My mind was like did he just go there, I looked blatantly at him and reaffirmed I didn’t lie about my age and I legged the fucked out of there. Shame on me for staying so long, towards the end I deserved it for staying so long. Needless to say when he messaged me to when id be coming back and why I was taking so long, I let him have it.

Okay now this one or next two could I could have dealt with in a different light however let’s say I did enjoy them so I only being true to myself. I was at work and talking with a girlfriend I worked with and she started talking about her new boyfriend. She said he lived near me and mentioned his name. It rang a bell and I asked if he lived in the apartment building my guy did. Sure enough we she showed me his picture and I said yep, he’s closet gay know him. She didn’t believe me so she said I’ll believe you if you prove it, I said id talk to him again and swap pictures. A few days later I said yeah I got pictures, she said really show me, I showed then I told her the extent of it, I slept with her boyfriend. She was gutted I described him in perfect detail, his bedroom and I even taught her a few of his sexual preferences, unfortunately in honesty she wasn’t one of them. But to be honest she was angry but he was gay, it didn’t count in my opinion and that’s the stance I took. She stopped talking to both of.

Okay now this one I do kind of sit on the fence with but think if your work place nemesis. Mine was a bossy, troublemaking, widely hated bitch, I’m sorry but a bitch and when I discovered her husband was gay, I had a momentary dilemma, tell her and bring down her perfect life she lords over everyone with just to ice off her bitchiness or keep the secret and whenever she projects her terrible people skills snigger to myself as I know better. Hahahaha not me I told that bitch I fucked her husband and that he had fucked half of the gay population in the city we lived, in some ways you could say I did her a favor, after all if you were her wouldn’t you want to know if your partner wasn’t into you sexually and was cheating.

Now this wasn’t the first time I was in this situation I had met up in my younger says before I came out, I was seeing a guy who was clearly gay, everyone could see it. So when I found out he was married I was shocked, like was she dumb or blind? By this time this guy had brought me gifts told me he loved me and we had been talking about a relationship. So I followed him home one day and sent a letter to his wife telling her that her husband was gay and I was his former lover if you could me that more like his whore. I was unsettled about it and after I mailed the letter I remember my gut feeling in this situation like I have no idea what might happen, will she believe me, will he come after me, but did I feel better to relive my hurt, no it actually didn’t unlike in the former situation, I felt worse, I felt guilty like I ruined a marriage, like it wasn’t my thing to confess to the world, like Queen Audacity had done to me.

So I was in the closet still and dating this chick who suspected I was gay, yet we kept dating. Needless to say I was more into her brother. Well when she busted us, in their parents lounge room there was no more denying it. However what I did learn is two things firstly don’t have sex in someone’s lounge room because you will mostly likely find yourself in an awkward situation and secondly the both moaned the same and both loved giving head, I couldn’t complain there.  These two weren’t the last siblings I had, two brothers one gay and one he described himself as ‘Curious A Sexual’, whatever you want to make of that. They looked similar, different penis sizes and clearly one better than the other. I don’t know why I am proud of these conquests but they make me smile still today. Needless to say when the brother I was dating told me he loved me I confessed and he never spoke to me again. I wasn’t all that upset as much as I loved him too, I’d probably never have the chance to screw two brothers again, a boyfriend I can always find.

So I had Christmas at home one year over two thousand kilometers away, and on my way home after two weeks of abstinence I needed a lay, bad. So I had been chatting to this cute twenty year old on grindr and we agreed to meet up he lived with his folks so I said okay well I will take a break driving anyway and your about half ways so feel welcome to spend the night if you like, like I wanted as much as possible, he knew I was going home. So we met and again we went down the beach and had a swim and he was all over me, I’m not into public displays of affection and he said to me get this, this is when I knew I had yet another crazy ‘you don’t need to be shy or nervous just because I have good looks your not that bad’. I fucked him and left him! Then I had messages telling me how he was making plans to come up, find a job so we could be together and he loved me. I had to block his number, he was a freak yet again the universe shows it’s hatred toward me in my love life.

I remember once I met a guy we went for a walk had a drink and just talked and he was nice, id have had him for a friend. Anyway the next day I had a million messages, how are you? When can I see you? What are you doing? Are you angry at me? Awkward … so I met him a few days later and said hey sorry I can only see you for a quick catch up I’ve been busy and he begins to lecture me on only wanting to spend time with me because he cares and it goes on. I ended it then and there; there is no relationship or possibility of it. Why is it you meet someone your into they break your heart or they aren’t into you but the ones you’re not into are into you. Why? Why is the universe so cruel? Needless to say I was a slut and a bitch and I’m going to get aids. He was not happy I shut down the possibility of anything more than friends, but when someone behaves like this, especially so early ahhh lets say not going to work. So I meet a nice guy my type he was way into me too, turns out it was Mr. Needys best friend, it was over within weeks not to my choice id have gone there all we did is meet in public twice and speak, if he yet he carried on how into me he was and how heartbroken he was over me. I feel I attract stalkers.

So I had met this guy for lunch, let call him Mr. Pig because he was I was young and inexperienced and he seemed nice, every bitchy in an in your face way which I would normally reserve for friends who know me well, not on the first date. Anyway he asked me back to his place for a drink and I said sure. When we arrived I asked who was there, I thought he lived alone, he said my parents are here so be quiet and he grabbed my arm yelled out I’m just going in the gym, and pushed my though the door pulled out his penis and said now drink this. Firstly I don’t parents unless they’re worth it he hadn’t achieved this level yet and secondly it smelt, his foreskin was grossly long and cold when I touched it, I as out of there like a flash. A few months later I was out with friends for a birthday and I was completely wasted, I don’t ever remember being that drunk, he came over and I introduced him and he began chatting and joined us, we decided we needed food and were leaving he invited us all back to his, yeah good idea, how about what did I do. I felt so sick as soon as we got back I was throwing up, he put me in his bed and subconsciously I heard when my friend were getting ready to leave and no way did I want to stay there I tried to scream and I tried to move and all I accomplished in my state was to end up on the floor where I was sick again, I was lying in my sick. He came in and picked me up and wiped my face then proceeded to get me to give him head and tried to fuck me without lube, that shit woke me up enough to go, he tried to stop me, telling me I was too drunk I was gone, I had no idea where my phone or wallet was but I left and I walked all the way home being sick along the way. He asked me out again a few weeks later I informed he I wasn’t attracted to him and asked him to lose my number.

 

The Road to Coming Out

 

So the question I get asked the most is ‘do you think you were born gay?’  Simplest answer ‘Do you think you were born straight?’ But usually I will say for as long as I can remember I have always found males attractive and cute, not so much females. But subconsciously in these innocent years you think to yourself boy go with girls, that’s the way of it and in the mid 90’s it wasn’t always all that accepting in the play ground to be gay let alone the fact I barley understood what it meant. So I remember explaining to myself there is nothing wrong with a boy looking at another boy and thinking he is attractive, doesn’t make you gay, and I like girls I have girls friends (even though I don’t find them attractive) but that’s a technicality isn’t it? I often wonder was this my first rationality to realizing my sexuality? Like in the fourth grade I stayed over at a friend’s house, he and I both showered together and all I wanted to do was look at his penis and kiss him on the cheek like one of my girlfriends. As high school approached like any male all I could think about was getting laid, I heard once you could take away a boys penis and he will still find a way to have sex, well I agree. I always had a girlfriend in attempt to get laid and in the quest I would also start a part of my life that boldly shaped who I am now, the person I am the one people mistakenly feel is confident grew from this. Okay so let’s get real I got called fag, having a girlfriend didn’t always help but in all honesty not only was it the easiest prospect of any kind of sex, but it defused to a degree the bullying I got as  the obvious personality traits began to emerge long before I was ready to come out. So in my willingness to explore this interest in men because I wasn’t gay okay! I would seek out the two other guys who were in the same boat but we defiantly didn’t speak at school. Bring on the internet. Hotmail and messenger conversations were had, pictures sent, information to discover and the web cam. This was my change, this was okay I might be BI and BI was I hated sex with women, I loved sex with men and by 17 I realized.

 

I remember my first time with a guy I had no concept of top bottom versatile preferences, for some reason I had fucked women and now I wanted to be fucked no idea why I had this overwhelming perception but no regrets here. So I remember he was real nice before this I had only played around a lot of oral sex with guys my age and married men. I swear as you will learn from my experience so many married men are gay, not BI but gay. I remember after what seemed like hours of four play I told him I was ready to try it, after all we had been chatting online for a while and I was so into him like I was going to marry this man (in my head hahaha) so I laid on my back and laid on top of me and he says ‘you know I’m not fucking a women right’, I giggled as to brush it off and asked him how he wanted me and he moved me and then It clicked no it wasn’t like sex with a women, I don’t self lubricate and location location location hello where had I been living lol. However we had lift off and it was amazing, he was larger in size but as you learn seriously size doesn’t matter I'll get back to that later. So after the initial pain and metal thoughts of omg I hope I don’t … I’ll let you fill in the banks I was just so relaxed and into him it was amazing. After this I was gay, gay gay gay and yes it made sense to me know, I had always been gay women didn’t excite me or arouse me anymore I love men.

 

First love, it was a rigid eight months of long phone calls, and texting and experimenting, he was my first and also the first time I experienced how messy men can be and what lairs. Working for me I have good instincts, and like a detective I pay attention and have this nosiness to detail one of my best friends Nards once described me as a ‘cluey barstard’. So we would meet up for weekends away as we lives a few hours apart and neither of us had come out so we always met in other places. We would have so much fun. His house mates knew he was gay and one of them was younger than us and he was very attractive and I sensed he was gay and wanted my boyfriend. So after a while I noticed he always told me about his day and where he was then reiterated and Byron was at home now we are just hanging with the others. My first inclination. Second one came one weekend in Sydney and I said well my train comes in two hours he was texting someone and I knew who, my head had made up its mind and I really wanted to break it off but I wanted this week away in Whitsundays he had paid for and I was going even though I knew it was over the sex was good, he was attractive and I thought I could maybe fix it like even to the point of packing up my life and moving closer to watch him (I was a smart 24 not). So after spending the morning in bed watching TV in  this enormous apartment he had rented for the weekend I said so I guess if you done with your phone do you want to do anything before I leave? He says well it will take me a few hours at the RTA today to do my car rego so, I best be off soon. My mouth wanted to shout you said that last time I was here, my brain said, your right hold it in wait for this trip. So after a wonderful, week in the Whitsundays lost of sex and fun and just it was like it was in the beginning, but I had no trust left and I realized even if I moved to be closer to him I didn’t want  relationship living on edge of where is he all the time. So I got my revenge. He always avoided conversations he didn’t like and would try to hash them out though text, I am upfront, in your face I like to confront the situation and talk it out angry or not, I like to talk it out and for some reason liars don’t like that too much with men I have found.  So when we got on the plane and it took off, I said what I wanted to say all along. I know you’ve been having a relationship with Byron and you’re a liar. He was angry for that fact not that he was court out, not that I ended it but there was no escape and he even had the audacity to say I don’t want to talk about this anymore let’s talk about it later as if there was going to be a later looser, and as if I’d give up my very first and last chance to talk it out. I never saw him again until late last year I was travelling home and saw him on grindr, and all I thought as what did I see in him. A care sales men and now an insurance sales men, he truly was a lemon and for a sales person a poor liar.

 

I don’t think I came out as such as I had well what I will call Queen Audacity takeover. So I was chatting to guy you know at this stage I chatted a lot online to guys we spoke about life bla bla bla. So we were making good friends and we went out shopping one day and while I was concerned about the fact he was obviously and flamboyantly gay but I braved it and went into Queen Audacities place of work. I arrive home and she rings and says the people she works with saw me with him and wanted to know if I was gay? Just like that, my word froze my stomach sank and then I just thought fuck you and fuck them and I said yes, not that it’s their business and we are just friends but yes I am gay. Just like that this person I will hate forever for doing this deep down as much I do love her I will never forgive her she told everyone in my life I was gay. I had no sense of control or security over my sexuality by this stage I was only just starting to date and have sex and I was in control of whom I told and when I told them. This forced my hand in having to tell my best friend before anyone else did the only person in my life at that time I got to tell I feel like something special was taken from me in this situation, I think I would rather have been naked in public because at leats then I could have put my clothes on and it would be over, but now this would never be over.

 

I hear so many horrible stories about people who come out and it doesn’t go well. I was lucky I told people and for many they just saw and assumed as I started to publically date guys. Family took it well and not like I had to tell anyone hey. The two people I was frightened of the most were my grandparents. I love them so much and was always frightened of their catholic beliefs. My Nanny who I love and miss every day, she said the nicest thing anyone ever said to me she said Scotty I love you no matter what you know that Hun’ and I just remember holding back the tears telling her I love you too. Still brings tears to my eyes every time I think about it and I wish I had told her how much that meant to me, how much it means to me and much confidence it have me to be okay with who I was, because if they were okay with it, it didn’t bother me if anyone else was or wasn’t the people I loved most loved regardless of my sexuality and I love my sexuality I wouldn’t change it if I had the chance ever. From this time on I moved from a quiet shy person to someone who wasn’t so quiet and reserved I called it as I saw it, I called a duck a duck and I make no apologies for too long I was quiet and hid the person I was, I made conscious decisions to never do that again.